Free writing 1

Coffee ties us together on a social level where we gather to discuss life, use it for waking up, and just sitting back for a quiet evening It goes great with food after and before. Music at coffee shops, nothing ever that I paid attention to. Just wanted to have a quiet night without my brain screaming at me but my thoughts keep returning to what I want to say numerous times over but im always afraid of how I feel or how its going to be taken, I don't have more to offer than just myself at this point and it puts me into a funk music and coffee hep to ealleviate the funk want to tget more painting done because it helps with the funk but getting motivated while in a funk what's the source of the funk? I just want to be happy and cuddle and kiss away the regrets and fears and tell her that every day the sun is brighter the cold winds don't bite as hard when I have her near me or just the thought of her puts a smile on my face I never thought I would find someone that has this much hold on me and yet here I am wishing that I could offer more to make her mine and I don't know what it is that she wants or if she even wants the same thing need to focus on school and let her focus on school so that even if we have a future together its the one we want to build and aren;t forced into it because we fucked up our future for the enjoyment of the present. and then the song stops on the player and my thoughts hiccup and I remember when this song represented so much and the idea of being a rock star thrilled me yet I didn't have the skills to make that happen. so many friends that ive left behind in the years as ive let life direct which steps I take and which one do I trust?? youre the champion of sorrow youre the (what did he say?) youre the fighter of evil yet you're one and the same. I never had much use for faith or god or religion, yet people say to trust and have faith but every time ive had faith in someone ive been let down. is that what life is? a serious let down. series of let downs. memories that ive forgotten have come back and people I haven't thought about in years because they just don't fucking matter anymore because the one person that matters is me and ive forgotten that pver the years as ive put everyone else ahead of me fuck that's what liz always accused me of not being able to do. I miss telling people to fuck off with impunity and that hasn't happened since the days of AX and sage's quintet of hate. Belittlement! rarwr! he's up in LA now doing whatever it is that he does, backfloating along letting life carry him and that's what I did for the longest time and I resented him for being able to do it while I was trying to make a relationship work even though I had no clue goal or direction and now I;m getting my direction and focus drive back and want to make shit work. I want someone to join me on that trip and with billions of people in the world why do I keep coming back to this one person? Why is it so fucking hard to just look her straight in the eye and tell her that she's the one person in the world who brings a light to my darkness so shines a candle in a weary world. fuck why am I letting anyone or anything have so much hold on me after ive struggled so long to be an independent arrogant fucker that just has given up giving a fuck? because none of that ever made me happy, it made me feel strong despite being weak. now I feel weaker than ever, more vulnerable and yet unstoppable. fuck you, brain. fuck you. stop picturing a happy home with a wife and kids that I want to come home to. cuddling a warm girl smelling stale perfume that's entertainment ... why did I ever think that song was my happy song? because I didn't have a care in the world and now I do. I care so deeply that it hurts and im just having my little oh woe is me grief


That's time.