I can't believe over a month has gone by since my last post. I've been meaning to post up stuff and write more, but apparently life has gotten busy. New relationship, finishing up the term at school, painting and modelling stuff all over...and I finally feel I have the time to sit down and write something (albeit, I'm blowing off studying for finals to do it).
First off, some pics to post up of my winter-themed glade guards:
I also got my figure back from the local GW store, where I participated in a kitbash contest for their one year anniversary. A lot of people went with Chaos themed figures, but I went with a space marine, as I wanted something I could use with my Templars after the event.
Also, my birthday happened last week. Yay me. I got the new Wood Elf Shadowdancer, a space ork weirdboy, the Garden of Morr scenery set, a Watchtower, and a Citadel wood terrain set. Have yet to go get the Wood Elf army book, but I expect to do that this weekend. I had better get cracking on assembling and painting stuff, because I'm starting to stack boxes. =( Luckily, I have one more final to go, and then a week off (except for a few shifts at work, and volunteering at the May ride). Hopefully I can get some stuff built and the painting process started.
Here's the updates on the painting front, as I kind of left off a few months ago with my painting projects. Starting a few Wood Elves in addition to the High Elf army, so there's some mixed stuff here.
Today I got to sit and chat with an old friend. 19 years since the last time we saw each other ... high school graduation. Sure, we've talked on the phone, through chat programs, and via email over the years, but nothing beats sitting down face to face with a cup of coffee and just saying "Fuck, it's good to see you."
We caught up on who wound up becoming bible thumping Jesus freaks, who got fat, who lost their hair, who lost their damn mind, and who we've cut out of our lives (turns out, both of us cut spouses out...).
Life is pretty damn funny. I have memories of quoting Monty Python back in 6th grade and Rhi thought I was pretty fucking weird for doing it, and now she's pretty much forcing her older kid to learn Monty Python. We were pretty much inseparable for 6 years, and then we had a falling out. Not because of a clash in personalities or anything like that; she had a goal and I didn't. She's been living her dream (well, mostly... remember that cut out spouse bit) and I've been ... playing the part of Forrest Gump, floating on the breeze like a feather. I was surprised to find out that she was actually disappointed in me when I started making some of the choices that I did. I don't regret any of them though, they made me who I am today. That sounds like such a bullshit cop-out excuse...but when you've spent a night making cactus soup, asking the tree about how the pod works, and spotting the strings that hold the stars in place you have to admit that those are all things that change your perceptions on a lot of things.
She asked me about my current interest, and just thinking about her and where I wanted to start got me grinning and blushing (or twitterpated, as Rhi put it). She told me to pursue her with everything I had, to grab on to that little bit of happiness and hold on. I really want to.
All in all, the day left me happy and smiling. Fuck the melancholy that's been threatening to creep in. Fuck the bad days that I've put behind me, they're behind me. The future is looking bright, and I've gotten enough good days in despite the shitstorm I've created and passed through to get to where I am.
Here's the photo evidence that the iPhone takes better pictures than an Android (either that or someone moved at the last moment):
Coffee ties us together on a social level where we gather to discuss life, use it for waking up, and just sitting back for a quiet evening It goes great with food after and before. Music at coffee shops, nothing ever that I paid attention to. Just wanted to have a quiet night without my brain screaming at me but my thoughts keep returning to what I want to say numerous times over but im always afraid of how I feel or how its going to be taken, I don't have more to offer than just myself at this point and it puts me into a funk music and coffee hep to ealleviate the funk want to tget more painting done because it helps with the funk but getting motivated while in a funk what's the source of the funk? I just want to be happy and cuddle and kiss away the regrets and fears and tell her that every day the sun is brighter the cold winds don't bite as hard when I have her near me or just the thought of her puts a smile on my face I never thought I would find someone that has this much hold on me and yet here I am wishing that I could offer more to make her mine and I don't know what it is that she wants or if she even wants the same thing need to focus on school and let her focus on school so that even if we have a future together its the one we want to build and aren;t forced into it because we fucked up our future for the enjoyment of the present. and then the song stops on the player and my thoughts hiccup and I remember when this song represented so much and the idea of being a rock star thrilled me yet I didn't have the skills to make that happen. so many friends that ive left behind in the years as ive let life direct which steps I take and which one do I trust?? youre the champion of sorrow youre the (what did he say?) youre the fighter of evil yet you're one and the same. I never had much use for faith or god or religion, yet people say to trust and have faith but every time ive had faith in someone ive been let down. is that what life is? a serious let down. series of let downs. memories that ive forgotten have come back and people I haven't thought about in years because they just don't fucking matter anymore because the one person that matters is me and ive forgotten that pver the years as ive put everyone else ahead of me fuck that's what liz always accused me of not being able to do. I miss telling people to fuck off with impunity and that hasn't happened since the days of AX and sage's quintet of hate. Belittlement! rarwr! he's up in LA now doing whatever it is that he does, backfloating along letting life carry him and that's what I did for the longest time and I resented him for being able to do it while I was trying to make a relationship work even though I had no clue goal or direction and now I;m getting my direction and focus drive back and want to make shit work. I want someone to join me on that trip and with billions of people in the world why do I keep coming back to this one person? Why is it so fucking hard to just look her straight in the eye and tell her that she's the one person in the world who brings a light to my darkness so shines a candle in a weary world. fuck why am I letting anyone or anything have so much hold on me after ive struggled so long to be an independent arrogant fucker that just has given up giving a fuck? because none of that ever made me happy, it made me feel strong despite being weak. now I feel weaker than ever, more vulnerable and yet unstoppable. fuck you, brain. fuck you. stop picturing a happy home with a wife and kids that I want to come home to. cuddling a warm girl smelling stale perfume that's entertainment ... why did I ever think that song was my happy song? because I didn't have a care in the world and now I do. I care so deeply that it hurts and im just having my little oh woe is me grief
I've had this concept floating around in my head for a few years now, and I'm finally acting on it (aside from some notes jotted down on scraps of paper randomly). Everything I need to know about life from movies. It's an ambitious undertaking, and it'll be an ongoing series for me, I think. Without further ado, here we go...the first step:
"How can a man take a bowel movement with a hundred buffalo rifles a-pointin' at him?"
- Hollis P. Wood, 1941
Truer words were never spoken. Some things are just meant to be done alone. Door closed, too. If your loved one insists that the door can be open, run. Run fast, run far. I feel for clients in my care that have to do this with staff members present, and I try to give them their privacy and a call light.
"Sometimes fear has the appropriate response."
- 1, 9
Fear is a natural thing. As soon as you learn to accept it, and interpret it correctly, it no longer cripples but rather allows you to move forward. I've come to embrace my moments of fear; they allow me to recognize when I'm facing something new. My fear also tells me when I'm facing something that challenges my comfort zone. Fear allows us to feel alive.
"Classes will dull your mind, destroy the potential for authentic creativity."
John Nash, A Beautiful Mind
If I have to provide a rationale as to why conformity destroys creativity, do us both a favor and stop reading.
"And somebody get me some coffee!"
Lois Einhorn, Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
And after that coffee is gone, more coffee. Coffee is the life, the life is forever.
I've been taking notes and mulling an idea around in my head for years now, and collecting snippets on various pieces of paper all over. In the coming months, I fully intend to put them all down here as part of a growing collection of posts. Well, hopefully more than just one...especially as this is the first... :)
With as many movies as I watch, I realized that you can actually be a fairly enlightened person from taking a little wisdom away from films. Earth shattering revelation, I know. It'll make sense once the project is started in earnest, I hope.
It never ceases to amaze me how calming it can be to just be close to someone. Of course, it makes it a little hard to type when they're holding your hand and resting their head on your shoulder... :)
Little moments in life shouldn't be taken for granted...and last night's mental challenge made me realize I should go after what I want, consequences be damned.
Once upon a time, I started this blog as a therapeutic resource to get the voices in my head out so I could enjoy some peace and quiet. Since then I've turned it towards more creative outlets, because the voices in my head finally silenced. Sad to say, it seems like they're back.
I'm not mentally ill, nor have I ever been diagnosed as such. However, I have been told by the therapists I've talked with that I seem to suffer from too much brain. As arrogant as it may sound, I agree with that. I was told that I am obsessed with trying to place a perfect world on reality, and it's making me a little crazy. Well, it would appear that I'm trying to force my own reality on the world once more.
I've always said that I wasn't interested in the perfect person, that I was seeking the person perfect for me. Over the years, I've suffered headache, heartache, financial hardship, and even physical injury in my search for the person that I wanted like no other.
Sadly, I've found her. I think. She's everything I want: intelligent, honest, fun, sarcastic, driven, attractive. I could get lost in her eyes forever, and feeling her body against mine while laying in bed cuddling or sitting and watching waves roll in at the beach is a feeling I want to go on forever. Sure, she's still new to me and I haven't been around her enough to see any potential negatives. I can admit that readily. I can admit that, if anything, we're in the new and infatuated stage...that period where the person is flawless. The kicker: she's not mine, and I question that she will be, but not from lack of wanting on my part.
So many times I have to bite back the thoughts and words that beg to escape from inside me. I've tried to push the thoughts out of my head with school, my bass, painting. Nothing seems to keep the image of her smile out of my head. I can't remember ever feeling this way about another person.
Funny thing ... now I've written this out and I'm sending this out to the world ... my head is a little quieter. Maybe I can actually sleep tonight.
